Do Military Spouses Have to Defer to Military Rank?

Military personnel soon learn where they fit into the military chain of command and will defer to rank accordingly. Enlisted military personnel will not call officers by their first name, even if they are on friendly terms or are several years younger than they are. Even junior officers will know where they fit in when it comes to higher ranking officers and they will show them the proper respect. But how about military spouses? Do they also have to defer to military rank?

This is a topic that used to puzzle me. I could understand why my husband had to defer to military rank. After all, it was his job. But I did not feel comfortable with calling officers "Sir" or "Ma'am." As far as I could see, they were not my superiors and I did not have to defer to their rank. So I asked my husband about what the correct protocol would be for military spouses and whether they were under compulsion to defer to military rank. I did not want to offend anyone by using their first names. He answered by saying that military spouses are not under any obligation to defer to military rank, as they are not in the chain of command.

But there are a few exceptions. For example, if a military spouse works as a civilian with a general as her boss, then he or she would be in the chain of command and would have to defer to rank in the same manner as active duty military personnel. Also, if a military spouse calls their spouse at work, it would not be appropriate to ask to speak to Fred or Mandy. Who are they? Many in the office would have no idea who they are unless their rank was used. The spouse would have to ask to speak to Sgt Phillips or Col Jones. Not only will it make it easier for your spouse's colleagues to know who you are asking for, but it also helps to uphold your spouse's professionalism at work.

During one encounter, I was immediately put at ease when I met the lieutenant colonel my husband worked for. He stood up when I entered the room and introduced himself by his first name. From that moment on, we were on a first name basis whenever we met.