Ranking the Presidents of the United States

We've had 42 of them (43 if you count Grover Cleveland twice) and I have attempted to rank our fabulous leaders based on an intricate formula combining their leadership abilities (2.5%) and my own twisted values (97.5%). Since a majority of these men have been nothing more than uninteresting puppets of powerful people, they are more or less lumped together in the middle of the rankings. I mean who the hell knows how effective Chester A. Arthur was as President?

Anyway, here they are ranked best to worst...

Caution: While a majority of what is presented here is based on fact, certain details may have been slightly fabricated by the author because the author likes to make up crap.

1. George Washington

Any guy with the nickname "The Father of our Country" has to be pretty goddamn important. So he gets the nod for numero uno. Plus he had that bitchin' white hairdo.

2. Abraham Lincoln

"Honest Abe" spent his entire term as President struggling to hold the country together through a bloody civil war. And he did so while having to deal with the eccentricities of his loony tunes wife. One day in particular, Mrs. Lincoln couldn't decide what dress to wear as they prepared to go out for the evening. A frustrated Abe finally blew his top, "I need this like I need a hole in the head! Now get your ass dressed and let's get to the theatre, we're going to be late!" And the rest is, as they say, history.

3. Franklin D. Roosevelt

This man had polio, was saddled with the task of pulling the country out of the Great Depression and declared war on the Japanese after the bombing of Pearl Harbor. On top of that, he had to sleep with a man named Eleanor Roosevelt. Anyone who can handle all that deserves a slot near the top.

4. Thomas Jefferson

Dude writes the Declaration of Independence, gets elected President and bangs Sally Hemings, who Benjamin Franklin liked to call "the Halle Berry of servitude." Now that's just showing off!

5. John F. Kennedy