Southerner Student Stuck in a Northern Winter - How to Stay Warm

So you're Southern. That's not a problem until someone chucks you into the stomach of a real Northern winter. Maybe you're up North attending some fancy pants Yankee college and now that you're experiencing below freezing temperatures for the first time, you're probably thinking you should've gone to William and Mary, Auburn, or Emory and stayed close to home. Well, toss your Nascar baseball cap aside, wipe the fried chicken grease off your fingers, and listen up. If it helps, pretend this is church. Here's my sermon on keeping warm because your Daisy Dukes won't be enough to survive this white stuff. No, not Cool Whip---snow!

Now we all know that possum stew warms the Christian soul, but, as you've probably noticed, folks just don't tolerate fine cookin' north of the Mason Dixon line. Stay cozy with clam chowder, lobster claws, and scampi if you're up in New England and stuff yourself with hot dogs and pizzas if you're in the Big Apple. But don't expect to find any steaming okra or country fried steak where you are. Bet you miss Mama's cornbread now, huh? Just remember to eat lots of hot food and you're taking at least one preventive measure from dying of hypothermia.

Next up, always layer your clothes---not one inch of what the Good Lord gave you should be exposed. You might end up looking as big as your Aunt Sally after years of gorging herself with macaroni salad but that doesn't matter. What matters is staying warm. Become familiar with Long johns and flannel and forget everything Mama said about always dressing well. There's nothing “presentable” about six layers of wool knee-high socks.

Another way to stay warm is to wrap a scarf around your neck. You know, scarves---the things Aunt Myra from Pennsylvania would always knit you for Christmas, but you never knew what to do with them because it never got cold enough where you lived. Well, now's your chance to bundle yourself up with one. (Don't strangle yourself now. Otherwise you'll never have the chance to eat chitlins again.)