A Letter to the Republican Party

Dear Republicans,

It's time to lick your wounds, tuck your tails between your legs and accept that you will not have a GOP residing in the White House in 2009. Your candidates are weak, your platform is archaic, and many of you don't even like your current President. Your strongest celebrity supporters are even vowing to vote for your arch enemy, the one who will not be named, if McCain gets your nomination. Despite math that just doesn't add up, the American voters are supporting a virtual nobody in an attempt to show you that they don't like your nominee.

So what is the party to do? How do you overcome this levee that is cracking? How do you rebuild the foundations of your party so that you can reclaim the pearly white residence in D.C. in four years? You must redefine what it means to be a Republican.

The media calls you the party of the rich, the warmongers, the Christian conservatives. What do you call yourselves? How do you appeal to new voters when all your candidates are old white men living in another era? Is your platform based on policy or social issues? Do you want to reach across party lines, or meet behind closed doors in a Skull and Bones aura of secrecy? Are you willing to face the difficult issues of immigration, recession, health care, and education? These are the issues that concern voters on both sides of the political system. Yet all your candidates want to talk about is the dreaded "War On Terror." Is your party able to manage national security and domestic issues?

The solution to your problem is simple. Your party is reaching retirement age, and needs new blood. No society can survive without it, and your foes at the DNC are holding rallies at universities across the nation. Go out, old men, to the institutions that are your alma maters, and find the pulse of your replacements. See what issues are important to them, and what they think it means to be a Republican. Let them develop your platforms, and let the Ann Coulters of your party promote them.