Talking with Your Parents About Aging and Death

A few years ago a friend's elderly father died. While that was tragic enough, what compounded the tragedy was the uncertainty that followed. The man had always handled the family finances and had spoken little with his wife about what kind of financial condition the couple was in. All he ever told his wife was, "We'll be okay, honey. Don't worry." She, for whatever reason, had never asked him what they had or where it was.

While in this case it turned out well, that doesn't always happen. This man had kept excellent files and records. All those little cards and papers he had brought home and had his wife sign over the years were to set up bank and brokerage accounts in joint names, and although he had failed to file the copies of statements for the past few months, they were in envelopes in the front of his file drawer. Along with them was a notebook that listed accounts that had been opened over the past 20 years, with opening dates and initial deposits, year end balances and closing dates indicating where the funds were moved to and how much was moved. In the back of the book were also details about both his and her retirement plans, social security, life insurance policy numbers and a little envelope was taped to the cover that had the safe deposit box key where original financial and legal documents were found.

Since her mother had never handled the household finances, it was up to my friend to help her mother understand that money was not going to be a problem for the rest of her life as long as she lived the way she always had. She pointed out to her mother that there was even enough money to fly more frequently to visit her children or to go on a cruise with her lady friends from time to time.