Scars of Childhood Abuse Take Work to Overcome

Being a grown up survivor of childhood abuse is a thankless position to be in. We are all grown up now, with responsibilities and pressures on us that we never had as kids. It can be really, truly difficult for anyone who has grown up with poor role models. If temper tantrums, drama and anger were a daily part of parental behaviors and attitudes, then how does the grown-up "child" handle getting along with other people and relating in a healthy way? It takes a lifetime of work to undo the scars of the past, but it is possible to do so. After many years of therapy plus multitudes of trial and error, here are ways that have helped me to change my life and thus change the patterns of family unrest, established long before my parents were born.

Take time to be understanding of others and yourself

Many adult survivors are overly hard on themselves. Perfectionism can eat you up, I know because I've grown up dealing with it myself. There are times when beine a perfectionist is helpful for me, like in doing detailed artwork, but there are limits that must be set to not get carried away with it. We all make mistakes, and when we do, it doesn't mean we are "damaged goods", flawed or incorrigible. Allow yourself, and others, to make mistakes. Many abuse survivors think in the "all or nothing" way of judgment. They either are totally accepting or totally rejecting, for example. There is no gray, just black or white. Health is in seeing the "gray", there is a middle ground. If I mess up on a drawing, for example, it isn't thrown in the trash. I re-work what is wrong with it, walking away for a break if things get too frustrating and returning to finish with a clearer head. Take a kinder, gentler approach to what annoys you. Try to see the middle ground, by realizing that each situation has answers. Think of alternatives to solving the problem, open the mind and explore other outcomes instead of giving up. With practice, this actually works.

Realize that other people don't define you, you define yourself