How to Be the (almost) Perfect Husband

Don't beat your wife unless it's consensual, and it's your turn.

Don't drink so much that you begin to believe you're funnier/smarter/handsomer than you really are.

Don't ogle and/or put any part of your anatomy on or in other women.

Don't spend money on useless things like lottery tickets until the day after your wife tells you she has way too many pairs of shoes.

Don't expect your wife to be your mother/slave/housekeeper unless:

1. She agrees in writing.
2. You agree to compensate her generously.
3. There are costumes involved.

Don't acquire or cultivate any bad habits.

Don't ever tell your wife she's just like her mother.

Don't criticize unless it's constructive and she isn't holding any sharp objects.

Don't belittle her. Ever.

Don't pretend you're not lost. She knows better.

Don't yell at her unless she's about to be run over by a bus or fall into the pool.

Don't steal her chocolate. (Stealing the covers is forgivable; stealing the last Hershey bar is a capital offense punishable by death and/or torture in some cultures.)

Don't call it nagging; the proper term is "reminding repeatedly."

Don't ever assume you know what she's thinking. You don't.

Do give in cheerfully and often during arguments especially when you know you're right.

Do apologize profusely especially when you've done nothing wrong.

Do confess immediately and thoroughly when you or one of your buddies has done something stupid, rude, thoughtless, unforgivable, or all four. Beg her forgiveness; preferably while rubbing her feet or feeding her ice cream.

Do compliment her sincerely and often (extra points if you do it in front of other people).

Do defend her vigorously and loudly, especially if she's within earshot.

Do remember and buy her a gift for any (or no) special occasion.

Do the little things that will make her brag about you to her friends and family. (Wash a dish, wipe your feet, aim for the bowl.)

Do let her see you cry and not just when the Patriots lose.

Do be nice to (and about) her annoying friends.

Do things you know she wants you to do without being "reminded repeatedly."