Fainting on the Barack Obama Campaign Trail Increasing. Miraculous Healing Wonders Now Reported

Six cases of people fainting in the presence of our generation's greatest orator, Barack Obama, are confimed. Men and women alike have caught a case of the vapors during recent speeches by presidential hopeful, Barack Obama. His words stir us. Some people are stirred into a whirling dervish.

A Healing in Wisconsin
William Peterson of La Crosse, Wisconsin said he experienced a miracle at the Obama rally in Madison. Peterson reportedly suffered from erectile dysfunction for 9 years. When Obama's stirring words turned to universal health care, Peterson said, "He got my attention and I sat up straight. To my surprise, so did little Willy. I can only say it was miraculous."

Peterson went on to relate another minor miracle. "I nudged my wife, Mildred, and said, 'Look honey. You want to sneak out of here?' But Mildred had already experienced a minor miracle of her own when Barack was talking about raising the minimum wage and she'd lost interest."

The Glow
More than miraculous healing wonders are afoot on the Obama campaign trail. Barack Obama has begun to glow with a mysterious, inner light. It first manifested as a slight haze, but has expanded to a full halo effect. Skeptics attribute this to lighting tricks, but is must be pointed out, the glow appears outdoors in full daylight whenever Obama delivers a speech.

The light has the added effect of blinding rally attendees to the beautiful oratory skills Obama has begun to display. An unnamed attendee at a stump speech in St. Louis, Missouri said, "I don't know what he said, but those words sure sounded like they were handed down from above."

The Shocking Announcement
Obama's campaign bus broke down between Canaan and Salem, Texas. Rather than call for repairs, the press corp traveling with Obama, dismantled the bus and reassembled pieces into an impromptu litter. Reporters hoisted Obama on their shoulders while campaign staffers paved the way with palm fronds. Campaign manager Mary Virginia Mathias said, "We don't know where the palm fronds came from. They just appeared. I now believe in miracles, too."