Let the Pandas Die!

On the short-lived but funny and inventive adult cartoon "Father of the Pride," there were two panda bears.  The male, named Nelson, wasn't interested in pandas; he wanted the sexy milf lioness Kate (Cheryl Hines).  Foo-Lin, his obnoxious female panda counterpart voiced by Lisa Kudrow, similarly rejected Nelson, claiming that she could do better and deserved love.  The crusty old matriarch, voiced by Carl Reiner, would have no part of this crap.  He looked at the male and said "she's a panda, you're a panda; this is a no brainer."  To Foo-Lin, he stated the obvious: "you're a middle aged, fat, virgin panda. You deserve Nelson."

In my book, he's being a little too tolerant.

Remember how this species is already low in numbers and its prospects aren't looking very high?  Well, on September 8, 2006, a female panda named Ya-Ya crushed one of her twin baby pandas because she fell asleep while caring for it and fell on top of it.  Her excuse?  She had been taking care of the children 56 hours straight.  Now, for the sensible species of the world, when you live in a zoo there are zookeepers there who are willing to lift a finger so mommy doesn't have to suffer sleep-deprivation.  Do the pandas take this hint?  No, they don't.  They crush their own children by falling on top of them.  I'm no evolutionary biologist, but I'm skeptical such behavior passes the "survival of the fittest" test.

In fact, lots about the panda bear fails the evolution test.  They're fat and slow.  They have no natural camouflage.  Oh, and did I mention they have exactly one primary food source, and that it just so happens to be a stick that's only grown on 0.000001% of the Earth's surface?  And that they'll only live at certain latitudes and elevations with just the right about of humidity?  Screw you, hippies; an animal so stupid, picky, worthless, and slow has no place in the natural world.