Exploration of Soft Boundaries in Relationships

Soft Boundaries

Most people have physical boundaries they establish with others. They are reflected in our need for personal space. We can feel violated if someone stands too close behind us in the grocery line. Most people instinctively know that pushing, hitting, shoving, kicking, slapping, and other touching such as poking, grabbing, groping and tapping are off-limits as they depict a serious physical boundary violation. Meanwhile, other touching such as hugging, stroking, nuzzling, cuddling and tickling may be welcomed as long as the person doing the touching has received explicit permission to do so. Some people also engage in friendly wrestling, but generally attach boundaries to this type of physical contact as well, so as not to inadvertently hurt each other.

Physical boundaries are what I like to think of as hard boundaries. They are tangible and easy to identify when a boundary is crossed. There is no mistaking a punch for a hug and the meaning behind the contact is explicit.

In addition to hard boundaries is what I like to call soft boundaries. Soft boundaries are primarily how we allow others to treat us on an emotional or non-tangible level. Soft boundaries are generally difficult to identify, as they deal more with feelings than anything tangible. Most of us are not born with soft boundaries; we tend to learn these during childhood through exploration and example. As children, we may often make mistakes when interpreting intent, as we are still learning how to communicate with the world around us. Our parents or guardians are often our first foray into the verbal world and we pick up on cues on how to behave and learn what is expected of us from them.

Mental abuse is typically an easily identifiable violation of a soft boundary. However, children are not capable of knowing when they are being mentally abused, so years and years of damage can be done without anyone ever knowing. Screaming, yelling, name-calling, put-downs, and verbal threats are identifiable as mental abuse, yet they leave no physical marks and they may only occur when there are no witnesses, thereby further confounding the recipient of such abuse.