The Institution of Football Advocates Rape and Cannibalism

Of course Donald likes football. All young men like football.  Norm Duncan, Scotland, PA

Well, Football Season is rolling in again with its customary amount of fervor and irresponsibility. I have come to expect disappointment from professional sports, and football is an unfortunate blight on the serene and preternaturally brilliant face of autumn. It makes people needlessly loud and whips them into celebratory frenzies when some megalomaniacal jackass crashes through a defensive line and kisses the endzone grass with the pigskin. Hell. I can't think of anything quite so depressing. Can you?

I realize that what I'm saying here is probably patently un-American. After all, football is Tradition for starry-eyed five year olds and decrepit grandfathers alike. It is pounded into every son, and the boys expected of growing up to be homosexuals are given a triple dose of Spikes and Turf just for good measure. Lord knows, no patriotic American Football fan is going to let his son be a pansy. Hell no. Make him bleed, right? That'll teach him to be a Man.  A testicular contusion or intrascrotal hematoma never hurt anyone.

The entire institution of football - moreso than other American sports - is built upon the foundations of Predation, Glory, and Total Dominance These are the values espoused by the league and foisted upon unwitting children. The NFL, NCAA, and every Park District in the country are breeding children to act like rabid raccoons. By the time high school rolls around, they are trying to get the girls hooked, too - turning them into cheerleaders and gearing them up for lucrative careers as high-class prostitutes. Hell yes, Buster. Come experience the American Way.

(You know the best way to kill a 'coon, don't you? Slap the fucker in the face with a garden hose. He will grab the nozzle, and when he does, be ready to turn the water on full blast. Being the prideful, little bastard that he is, the raccoon will not let go. He will drown, and you will be Victorious.)