Bacon: Food of the Gods

Bacon. The word alone makes me salivate. When I sleep at night I enter a world of salty fried goodness. Everything I see in this world is made of that wondrous substance known as bacon. Every doorway and wall is a gigantic strip of the precious salty stuff. Every waking hour I contemplate creative new ways to integrate this fabulous pork product into my diet.

I long to be reincarnated as a pig so that one day I too can become that which is likened to heaven itself. When I die, I will ask to be buried an a casket of naught but the finest bacon! And if by some strange twist of fate I am buried alive, then I shall feast upon my casket before I dig my way out.

It has been said that bacon is priced like diamonds: the smaller the pieces, the less it costs per ounce. I have also come up with the bacon-chocolate law: that which cannot be improved by the addition of bacon can be made better by adding chocolate. I would also contend that there should be a bacon-chocolate-cheese trifecta, but bacon and cheese tread on similar grounds.

Why bacon and not any other pork product, you ask? Because bacon is like the concentrated essence of pork products: it is as though someone took a juicy pork chop and concentrated it into one thin slice of food. Almost like a fruit roll up, but made out of meat. Can any other meat product compare? I think not. Sure, beef jerky is a close second, but I wouldn't make a sandwich out of that, or serve up two slices of hot jerky with eggs and toast. Nay, beef jerky is to bacon as a can of spam is to a ham hock.

Nothing inspires me like the sweet and salty scent of bacon wafting through the air, the sound of sizzling swine on the stove and the knowledge that soon, my tongue will make contact with that all too familiar savory, salty flavor that is so unique to this one of a kind pork product.

Studies have shown that there literally is no substitute for bacon- sure there's Canadian bacon, but studies have shown that it contains little or no actual bacon. Turkey bacon is nothing like the real thing- to think that a fowl could replace the swine in your life! Preposterous!