Today I Died

I decided to die today. The reason was simple; I wanted to see who would attend my funeral. No excuses need to be given. I have given you one to be off work because I scheduled my death on the weekday. No work for you! You may have to sit through a stupid eulogy that says I was a good person but if you have attended my funeral today, we know that is not true, you just didn't want to see lame bosses but snicker inside as my corpse is about to be laid to rest. Imagine the worms that are about to eat my corrupt insides. This, my friend, will give you the satisfaction that the coffee machine can't.

I see Chelsey, my ex-girlfriend there. She laughs until she sees my senile Grandma that can hide her own Easter eggs, then she pretends to cry in a tissue. Between me and you, I used Black Magick to curse her cat and she died at midnight. Sorry Chelsey when everyone thought you were nuts, they were nuts, I cursed your stupid cat to choke on a hairball.

There's my brother. He was hoping that I would be cremated to he could get high off all of the cocaine I used in my life. Just maybe there would be enough in my bones to toke his ass. Sorry, bro I was clean for awhile, like the soup Nazi, I have to be the cocaine Nazi-No High For You!!!

Then there are all the other train sailors that showed up to show respect to a piece of human waste. They only use this as an excuse to have a Russian burial and get drunk. In the distance, I see them snickering about the life that I lived. I have a surprise for them. Ha! I beat you bastards to hell and have all my demon friends ready to tear apart their morsels. We get hungry down here and have a lot to eat, so there is some good BBQ when you get down here.

Back to my funeral, I know the reason that most of these imbeciles are here, the old day off of work. I see my buddy Playboy, who always doubted me. He gives a gangster swagger and places a kiss on my forehead. I didn't, no I couldn't tell him that I contracted some bacteria when I was getting embalmed because the morticians were having sex with my dead corpse. I didn't mind the female, I hadn't had sex in awhile, but it sucked when it was the dudes turn. Damn, why did I have to get the necrophiliacs for embalmers?