Prod Boy: An Exercise Tale

I've seen something strange the last few years. Every year about the middle of December I start seeing articles and ads about new year's resolutions to lose weight. They are everywhere on the radio, the television, plastered all over the Internet. By the middle of February these ads have all but vanished.

I'm no chump. I know our economy works on the principle of supply and demand. The pill pushers and fast talking exercise equipment salesmen are out there because there is a huge demand for them during the close of the old year and the opening of the new. Then they all but vanish, replaced by Super Sized Super Sunday party ads. This leaves only one possible conclusion: demand has dried up.

Somewhere among all the all the hype is the secret to fulfilling a years worth of weight loss goals in just over thirty days. This year I decided I must find it. My quest starts on December 31, 2007.

I'm at the local Bulge Mart, and I think I've waited too late. If the new Flab Blaster 3X pills are the answer, I'm out of luck. All that's left of the store's supply is a grinning card board muscle man and a gaping void on the shelf between the Slim X Super Xtreme and the Meltdown Mega Shakes. I'll try a couple other stores, but it looks like I'll be at the gym in the morning.

January 1, 2008 5:30 am.

Having driven half the night looking for Flab Blaster, I'm a little bleary eyed as I stand in a large crowd waiting for the doors to open. There are over two dozen of us but no one is talking. Maybe it's the cold. It's little more than thirty degrees and a lot of these people are in shorts. Just before the doors open, there is some pointing and whispering. One of the skeletons moving behind the smoky glass has stopped adjusting the scales and is coming our way. People are pointing at what looks like a cattle prod dangling from a strap on his wrist. Surely not. They wouldn't do that would they?