The Graffiti Of Middle Earth

I have always been something of an admirer of good graffiti, as sometimes people truly reveal themselves in this "art form." Anthropologists study quite earnestly the graffiti of ancient cultures, as the writing tells them so much about daily life.

For example, in ancient Rome, lost in the dust of history is the name of the young man who posted this message: Helena amatur a Claudius (Helen is loved by Claudius). Some things about civilization never change, as one famous bit of writing from the walls of ancient Pompeii translates: Cornelius made me pregnant. The Romans also left jokes, laundry lists, stories, and even a few advertisements on the walls.

I hasten to add that with the exception of madly scribbling "Frodo Lives!" into the back of a certain Baptist hymnal as a teenager and maybe one other minor indiscretion having to do with a jilting by a certain girlfriend; I am neither a graffiti artist nor have any wisdom to pass down the centuries on bathroom walls.

. . .OK, well, maybe just a little. . .

You see, I did come across some ancient writings from various walls, tables, lavatories and, yes, pissoirs of Middle-Earth. I suspect the Dark Lord himself, knowing that I would not be able to resist publishing these mad scribblings, sent this muckraking journalism to me to spite arrogant wizards, self-righteous warriors, dour dwarfs, goody-goody elves, small-minded men and other fops and fools over which he hoped to hold dominion. However, I must say they do offer some fascinating insights (and reality bites) into the diverse folk of The Lord of the Rings.

Carved into a tree in Mirkwood:

Watch out for Treebeard, girls. He's fast!

On a restroom wall in the Shire:

Hoo boy! that Bilbo Baggins,
I'm so tired of His Naggins.

Written on a bathroom wall in Mordor:

Sauron sucks Galadriel's toes!

Do Nazguls really need to go?

Free Gollum!

Scrawled on the poker table in the Orc's Recreation Room:

Those Nazguls are such creeps
They've been dead so long
They actually think DVDs
Are really BVDs.

Once every millennium or so Galadriel's Mirror fogs up. . .

Elrond's mother was a brunette!

Arwen rocks!

The Grey Havens suck.

Who's your Daddy?