Here's a Tip

Dear Waiters and Waitresses: 

I am a good tipper. If you see me at your table you are almost guaranteed a 20 percent tip, and you don't have to juggle plates of pasta over your head to get it—though that would bump your tip to 30 percent. I do, however, expect a little thing called “customer service.” That does not mean I want you to be terminally perky, nor do I want you wiping my mouth with a napkin every time I take a bite. I just want simple, well-mannered, service. 

I understand your job is tough: most servers make less than minimum wage and have little, if any, job security. I know that some of you have to split your tips with the other staff. More importantly, you knew all this when you took the job. After all, it isn't like you woke up one day to find yourself indentured to TGI Fridays; and I am sure no one is holding your family hostage until all the specials have been eaten. 

By following these ten simple guidelines, everyone leaves the meal happy.