My Audition for Last Comic Standing

The world is divided into haves and have-nots: those who have a sense of humor and those who do not. At the San Francisco tryouts for "Last Comic Standing," everyone was a comedian. It was like Woodstock with rubber chickens.

We arrived early, as in the night before. The line pressed against the wall like Silly Putty. One guy was imitating ET at a strip club, pointing with his long, bony finger: "Ho'."

Yes, it was going to be a long night.

Gretchen Macchiarella, whose name requires support beams, would be my partner in crime. Her mission: videotape people eating, snoring, talking to themselves, etc.

To round out the homeless experience, I had no shaving cream or roll-on. Airport security had seized them as part of Operation Toiletry Sweep. Maybe the terrorists have achieve their goal after all: Everyone smells like them.

Another traveler didn't respond so well to losing his Right Guard. He steamed from the eyeballs until a policeman said, "Sir, you'll have to take it up with your congressman."

My wife used to end conversations that way.

For the record, San Francisco has its own brand of cold. It's like the ocean is breathing on your nipples. I brought three changes of clothes and wore them all at the same time.

Gretchen and I befriended our line mates. I had performed with one -- Shawn Felipe -- the week before. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. HEY-oh! Stephen Wright out of the gate.

A lesbian couple, Laurie and Justin-not-Justine, would sleep in shifts so that no one stole their iPhone or messed with their mullets (mullet clipping has reached epidemic highs).

Justin asked, "What do comics do when they get depressed? Call in serious?" Then she rolled over without waiting for a reaction.

Jason and David, celibate not by choice, had just stepped off The Starship Enterprise. Jason hunched over in apology for his tallness, while David was more well-rounded -- able to sleep in a perfect ball.

The two debated the meaning of wit and united only in their hatred of Dane Cook. I didn't point out how Dane Cook had performed for 18,000 people in the round. These guys carried phaser guns.

Do you have the guts to get up on stage?

Credit: james steidl

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