How to Save Your Marriage

Modern commentators on marriage have long said that without a mutual perception of equality, partners cannot negotiate the many daily demands of life. Without this percep-tion, one partner is continually striving to be “first” or “better” than the other; each part-ner wants to be “right.” There is the insidious game of “one-upmanship” within the rela-tionship that will ultimately destroy it. In this type of partnership, “score-keeping” is prevalent; each partner keeps a mental tally of perceived wrongs that have been done to them by the other partner. Evening the “score” becomes the primary agenda in this rela-tionship. In this environment, how can any emotional closeness and bonding take place between these partners? More than a few marital therapists have heard at least one partner say “Last year he/she did…” Last year? Keeping score and holding grudges are relation-ship “Deal-Breakers.” And just as many therapists have asked “Do you want to be right all the time, or do you want to be happy?”

However, with a perception of equality, each person can help to create a balanced rela-tionship in which co-operation is valued and is emotionally close and reliable. This type of equal relationship is what makes a secure relationship a “soft place to fall” according to psychologist P.C. McGraw; a place where true partners can make mistakes in the mac-rocosm of the world and in the microcosm of the relationship, and know that their partner neither judges nor hold him/her in contempt. In a stable and happy marriage, contemptu-ous superiority never occurs.