A New Mothers Diary

Tumaini was the culmination of an eventful pregnancy whose highs and lows often left me weary and dreary....

And when i just thought i was done, Tumaini came to the world with a new challenge attached to him.

On the 30th of April 2007 we were blessed with a baby boy. But no smiles as yet. He had a breathing problem that meant he would have to spend a couple of days in the incubator. His body attached to tubes....The bleeping and flashing machines streaming from his nose a constant reminder that it was not yet time to sigh with relief.

In my mind, a whirlwind of thoughts raced and questions, many of them, went unanswered. How could they.....How could they do this to my baby..

Fatigue became my way of life. Nurses urged and begged that I should lie down and sleep at least for 2 hours. But you cant. How can you? Where does sleep come from when two days after you have brought a new life to this world you are yet to feel the skin of your little one...if only to appreciate that he is indeed, yours.....That is not helped by previous pictures of new mothers crying foul after their children have been 'stolen' in hospital. There is room to doubt and speculate when he lies there turning in discomfort..So near yet so far...

The fear, the what if's...My God....how easy it is to utter the words...strength and still be unable to summon enough of it to put you through the long nights....the conversations of families praying thankfully just next to your bed...their babies in their hands..new fathers tagging along friends to show off their would be inheritors....and yours in a plastic rectangle with tubes running through his nose....Despair....But then there is always a far-off voice with you.....in you...calling on you and urging you on...That there is hope at the end of the tunnel. So hope becomes your life-line.

Sometimes I would look at my baby and wonder if he could feel me. If he could sense my presence. .

Deep in the night, there was always an excuse to venture nearer to where he was lying in the incubator just to make sure I had a glimpse of Tumaini....Hope...