Ten Insulting Gifts You Can Give This Christmas

Santa makes a list of who has been naughty or nice. But what about your list? Maybe you have a few people you'd like to insult this holiday season. Here are ten gifts almost guaranteed to send your message of contempt.

1. Feminine Deodorant Spray. Whether the brand is Summer's Eve or FDS, the message is the same. By maligning the intimate hygiene of that special person on your list, the unmistakable conclusion is that you think that they're "a douchebag." (Of course, you could also literally go with the actual douche, but it's harder to wrap.)

2. Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior. Judith Martin has a wit like no other, and though this book should actually have an honored place on any bookshelf, there's no better way to tell someone that they're rude. (On the other hand, Miss Manners' would say that telling someone that they're rude is rude, but that's really the point of this whole list of insulting gifts.)

3. Wrinkle Cream.  Now, the modern woman today might be so bold as to actually put anti-aging creams on her holiday wish list.  She might even appreciate getting it.  But in your wicked heart of hearts, you can still cackle at the old bag and her sagging jowls.  Consider this the stealth insult of holiday gift giving.

4. The Gym Membership.  No matter how much someone may actually want a gym membership, you'd have to work hard to avoid the implication that you think the gift recipient is flabby and out of shape. You can really rub their face in it if you include a badly-posed polaroid and suggest they use it as their "before" picture.  Even if they thank you profusely, they'll be seething at you inside.  Mission accomplished.

5. A Dictionary of Cultural Literacy.  Never mind that learning about cultural references is fun, interesting, and useful.  The gift recipient will have to love you a lot not to take getting a book like this the wrong way.  And what sweeter way to tell someone that they're out-of-touch?  This gift screams "Get a Clue!"