Madonna to Remake Casablanca. Britney Spears to Be Thrown a Cameo Bone

Working Title: Desperately Seeking Ilsa

Rumors are flying that Madonna plans to remake the iconic movie Casablanca. The U. K. tabloid, Daily Mail, reports the setting may be modernized to present-day Iraq, but sources close to Madonna report otherwise.

What we have determined from our anonymous source are the following:

Madonna naturally cast herself in the lead role. The character of Ilsa Lund was made famous in the original 1942 Casablanca by 27-year-old Ingrid Bergman, but Madonna, at 49, feels this is the role she was born to play. Madonna plans to turn the May-December relationship as portrayed by pairing Bergman with Humphrey Bogart, 16 years her senior, on its head by casting 30-year-old, Ashton Kutcher as Rick Blaine.

The Rest of the Potential Cast
Owen Wilson is being courted to play Victor Laszlo. However Luke Wilson is also being considered. Sources report they are interchangeable like Baldwins.

Gérard Depardieu was first approached to play the role of Captain Renault. Our inside source said, "We wanted a Frenchman to revise the role made famous by Claude Rains, but Gérard was not available. Something about being dead for the last ten years, according to his agent. We have Jean-Claude van Damme on board though. You know the old saying, 'When you can't get a Frenchman, settle for a Belgian.'"

Eddie Murphy will don a fat suit to play Sam, the piano player. "We couldn't think of anyone better to 'Play it again,' than Eddie. He is the master of un-reinventing himself." our source commented.

Steve Buscemi has shown interest in playing Ugarte, the role originally played by Peter Lorre. "After all, we needed at least one person who can act in this thing," the source said. However, TBCB&SRG has also uncovered a write-in campaign to have Clay Aiken cast in this role. It is a musical after all.

Script Changes
Yes. That was not a typo. Madonna's version of Casablanca is to be remade as a musical. She has already penned a few songs for the soundtrack. The redo of "As Time Goes By" will be a 15-minute dance number with a cameo by Britney Spears.