Nintendo to Introduce New Social Network for Wii

Nintendo, after admitting that its Wii console is not performing as well as they expected and is losing badly in recent months to Sony and Microsoft, has indicated they plan on focusing the console more on adult players with the introduction of a new online social network.

Nintendo Executive Vice President in Charge of Sociality, Notagona Ha Pihn, revealed the new network, called WiiNess^TM in a press conference today.

"Others may have bigger networks, but we're quite proud of our WiiNess^TM and we think others will be quite satisfied with it as well," Ha Pihn said. "We're going to start off small, but we're hoping that all the excitement generated by these new features will make our WiiNess^TM grow."

To appeal to adult players, WiiNess^TM will feature avatars that can be customized in 105 different ways, including not only the old standbys of hair, eyes, clothing, and skin color, but also more mature attributes like bust shape and size, butt shape and size, and even pants bulges. Additonally, Nintendo will be rolling out several games intended for adults, including a drinking game called Nintendo Quarters, and Nintendo Casino Security, in which you use surveillance cameras to spot casino cheaters and then take them into a back room where you can use the Nintendo Remote Controller to break their legs.

When asked why the company was shifting its focus away from Mario and other family favorites, Notagona replied, "Mario has served us well, but frankly, adults have gotten tired of the little guy and his cheesy 70's porn mustache. People want real action in their video games, not a Technicolor plumber hitting a cartoon tennis ball."

The WiiNess^TM is part of a larger plan that also sees Nintendo releasing the more adult friendly Nintendo BS (for Big Screen) that will enable more mature gamers to better see Brain Age and other games without reading glasses.

There is still much secrecy surrounding the WiiNess^TM project, and to keep leaks of crucial details to a minimum and Ha Pihn has indicated working the bugs out of the system has been placed in the hands of some of Nintendo's master beta testers.