What Not to Give Your Mom on Mother's Day

As much as we all like to make sure the gift we give our mother's is happily received there are some things she won't appreciate. If you find your Mother's Day gift on this list, throw it in the trash and head to the store for something else.

Mustache Wax - Even if your mother has a Charlie Chaplin mustache never, ever give her wax to remove it. It's hers and if she wants to get rid of it she knows how to do it. Don't be insulting.

Pot Scrubber - I once received a battery operated pot scrubber as a gift and all I can tell you is this does not make a good Mother's Day gift.

Underwear - Even if your mom's fruit of the looms are getting a little threadbare, giving her a package of plain cotton Hanes is a lousy gift. Instead give her a Victoria's Secret gift card.

Enema Kit - Leave the personal hygiene stuff up to her. Let her buy her own enema kits. These were never intended to be gift items.

Colon Cleanser - This is the same as with an enema kit. Colon cleansers should be purchased by cleansee only. Not only with this embarrass your mother it will probably make her feel like you don't love her enough to buy her a real gift.

Nothing - If you don't buy your mother anything on Mother's Day you are dirt bag and deserve to be slapped. Go buy her a mother's day gift you cheap bastard.

Breath Spray - This can only say one thing about the woman that brought you into this world. Don't say it. Don't even think it. Keep your comments to yourself and don't sniff her breath.

Vacuum Cleaners - If you want to be smacked just try buying your mother a vacuum cleaner for Mother's Day. No mother wants to be reminded of chores awaiting her.

A Gym Membership - If there's one way to hurt your mother's feelings its by making her feel fat. Skip the gym membership and give her chocolate instead. Regardless of her weight.

Anti Wrinkle Cream - Your cruisin' for a bruisin' as my mother used to say. Giving your mother anti wrinkle cream for Mother's Day is bound to make her feel old and she won't appreciate the gift.

Gift Certificate for Weight Watchers - Unless she has specifically asked for this it's not a good idea. See the above mentioned gym membership.

Happy Mother's Day!