Shared Parenting: Worth the Effort

When my marriage broke up three years ago my primary interest was to minimize the impact on my kids. I had heard about shared parenting and it seemed like a good idea since it provided a way for both parents to take an equal role in our kids' lives. However the last thing I wanted to do was to share anything with my now-ex-spouse and I am pretty sure he felt the same way. Therefore, we retreated to our respective corners and gave ourselves some time to lick our wounds and regroup. We then began the tentative steps of detangling and sorting out our possessions, finances and our family. The process of equally dividing the property lead us to the concept of shared parenting. We both attended the insightful Parenting after Separation course offered by Alberta Justice. We used a mediator and a lawyer who helped define shared parenting for us. Most importantly, the children themselves were clear that they wanted both of us as parents in their lives on an equal basis. Both parents wanted the kids to have the stability of staying in the same school with the same friends, which somewhat offset the upheaval in their family. I managed to muddle things up by moving to Rocky Mountain House to be with my new partner. I now find myself commuting to Calgary on a weekly basis. We maintain two residences and the kids have three houses, our city house, our country house and their dad's city house. Now that the 50/50 week on/week off schedule has been in place for more than two years, it seems to be working well. But there were numerous twists and turns along the way that were not always easy. I have heard from divorced or separated parents having difficulty working through these same issues. Shared parenting is not yet the norm after a separation. It takes a great deal of time and effort from everyone in the family to make it work. Here are some of the tough lessons that we learned along the way:

Keep your childrens' best interests in mind, not your own. Objectively consider how decisions impact your children. Minimize changes to their setting and their routines. Spend extra quality time with them, taking time to talk about what is happening and how they are feeling.