Sports Briefs: Extra Value Heel

Brad: Gosh darn you, NCAA! I had high hopes, stupid Wisconsin, stupid Pittsburgh, gah! I don't want to do another basketball column.

Chris: But the show must go on, soldier.  

Brad: Okay, so it will. But don't take my word for it, I apparently can't pick basketball like I used to. But I do have an idea who is going to win . . . Here's laughing at you, Joe. Two words, guys: George Mikan. There, I said it. George Mikan should be the NBA MVP (even though I know he can't be). Anybody who kept this old windbag from playing professional b-ball should be given a big trophy. I mean a big mutha honkin' trophy!

Joe: Provincialism at its finest.

Chris: What did you just call him?

Joe: Obviously, I want to win the MVP. But, my retirement papers went through back when Ford was still president. So, after hours of studying game film, analyzing specific players, and researching statistics, there's only one legitimate winner--Chris Kaman, center for the Clippers. Sure, his team is awful, and his stats are merely pedestrian for an MVP winner, but, it's not about that. Kaman's ability to play at such a high level after being frozen in a block of ice for more than 4,000 years is truly remarkable. It should be a good day for Unfrozen Cavemen Basketball Players everywhere when David Stern hands the trophy to Kaman.

Ralphie: Either Tracy McGrady or Kevin Garnet. I think they are both really good players.

Chris: In an effort to introduce air quotes to this column, I'll state that the "valuable" in MVP actually means "impressive stats." Ergo, this would be the Most Impressive Stats Player. I just said "ergo." But I would like to declare that to be akin to bathing with Arkansas' mascot . . . hogwash.

Brad: I'd like to see LeBron get it, I know he's probably not eligible, having to earn more professional rep than he has, but still, I don't think anybody here would disagree with me that within the next decade, LeBron James will be the NBA MVP. Hey, Ralphie! That's a good way to learn your ABC's, just use of basketball acronyms! N B A M V P . . .