Dirty Drug Screens: A Firsthand Look at How Probationers Try to Cheat the System

I have worked in probation for about 10 years. Although some days might be boring, most prove to be interesting, or at the very least, include moments of entertainment. Some probationers spend so much time and energy trying to "get away" with something that if they focused some of that creativity on making legitimate money, they would be successful entrepreneurs. (Well, some are, but not in the legal sense.)

Here are 5 of my favorite ways probationers try to cheat the drug-screening system.

Probationer is waiting for a drug screen. He can't go. He says he has to go outside to tell his ride he will be a while. He comes back in about 5 or 6 minutes later and says he is ready to go. He comes into the hallway and I notice that his pant leg is turning dark from the crotch down. I look down and then at him and ask (knowing full well what he has done), "what is that?" At which time he tries to convince me he had to go so bad that he wet in his pants.

"Do we look stupid?" I ask. He is smart enough to let that one go. Turns out he had gone outside and had his sister-in-law go to the business next door and pee in a small cup they had in the car and he tried to balance it in his jean pant leg hoping no one would notice. Mind you, a male officer accompanies male probationers in the restroom to insure the integrity of the drug screen so I don't know how he intended to pull that one off if he had made it that far.

This gets even worse. His cup is emptied, he gives a real urine sample which is, of course, positive. He is questioned about the deception and his sister-in-law is questioned and they both had made a predetermined decision that if he got caught, they would say that his brother and her husband was the one that provided the urine before they ever left the house. Another officer had witnessed this female going next door and coming out a few minutes later and when presented with this information, both break down and admit to the real deception. The probationer is arrested and transported to the local sheriff's department with someone else's urine on his leg, no doubt drying and sticky.