No Longer at Ease

The Dilemma of the First Time



A grand dinner-party; everyone was there, exultant and ecstatic, mingling and chanting, making a festivity of it all. But for him, it was a turn off, because she wasn't present. He subconsciously craved for her presence, and prayed for it-obliviously-as he tightened his grip, unjustly,
 around the bottle containing his drink. No sooner than later, "as a consequence of his prayers", she arrived, to amend the situation-his predicament.

As soon as she stepped in, the light she radiated lightened up the dimly lit hall. And the music that had reached its crescendo and quite thunderous, seemed to play in the background. To him, nothing can ever overshadow his utter attention for her, once she is present, and even when she is not.

"God, this is obsessive," he thought. His gaze fixed on her, consuming every detail of the moment about her. Such a faultless beauty and unblemished smile, tall and full-bodied, with richly dark hair that reflected light. It was the third time he would see her entirely in blue, and twice consecutively: yesterday was one, and today the dress seemed shorter, and loose, yet he could still see that glorious figure that had set his mind on the course of chaos and disarray. His desire was on dire fire.

"Fidelis, do you know that the effective cure for brucellosis is slaughter policy?" Timothy probed again, peering through his glasses in a comical disposition. This time the question was modified in an attempt to be less annoying, but without success. He reluctantly shifted his attention from her and gave him "the look"; this muted him. The interruption made him partially rest his indulgence in her for a while as he thought about Timothy's psyche.

 
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This story has some real potential. I would focus on developing Fidelis' character more and allowing him to come alive through his own words and actions. You'll know you have done a better job of developing this character when you feel less of a need to explain him, what he's thinking, or how he is feeling. Overall though, this is a GREAT start!!!

Posted on 05/30/2008 at 5:05:25 PM

Great story. As someone mentioned before the length and transitioning between dialogues is the only issue. Perhaps seperating the story into two parts would be better. Overall, you are a great writer. Keep up the good work. :-)

Posted on 05/10/2008 at 8:05:50 AM

Good story. The first half seemed very Oscar Wilde to me. I think with some more thought the rest of it could go that way too but I don't know how since there are no doors for people to enter and exit;

Posted on 04/26/2008 at 2:04:10 PM

It isn't bad at all. it needs editing. it's a bit too dramatic. The general plot is okay, transition from dialogue to thoughts and descriptions of other figures and the background is okay. but should be written with simplicity, to make it credible. Don't try to edit it right away, but write more, and return to it after some time, with more experience.

Posted on 04/25/2008 at 10:04:56 AM

Professionally written, and developed to a fault!

Posted on 04/24/2008 at 2:04:56 PM

( to finish up the last message:) PS story from your name's sake and his best friend Paul McCartney as told by Paul: "JUst as we finished up our song "Hey Jude" Johnny (as in John Lennon) and were reviewing the words once again. I told Johnny: Okay now I can change that no senseical term to a real word: "The Movement you need is upon your shoulders" to something else. Johnny told me: "Paul! Oh NO! Don't do that, I think that is the strongest line of the whole song!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Posted on 04/23/2008 at 3:04:59 PM

Dude, You did a great job. As far as I know the word count maybe exactly right. What I offered you, though, is that if it comes to word count because of the writers' guide lines you can play with the words and have fun with it. Nip and tuck was Hemmingway's method. (52 words) I love what you wrote! here's a rewrite of the above that I just wrote and something i would have consider sending to you: You did a great job. The word count maybe exactly right. What I offered is that if it comes to word count, due to the writers' guide lines, you can play with the words, having fun with it. Nip and tuck was Hemmingway's method. (44 words and i HATE Hemmingway's writing too) I think it is very good as it is and you can get it published in the New Yorker or some romantic mag. Okay . . . I'm going back to looking for work. I'm at Washington State's Work Source now. Good job!!! PS story from your name's sake and his best friend Paul McCartney as told by Paul:

Posted on 04/23/2008 at 1:04:39 PM

Imagine's story "No Longer At Ease" like this line: His desire was on dire fire. Like this: "Brother, you are madly, senselessly, foolishly, out-of-your-mind in love." (Reminds me of a British Movie, a comedy; Truly, Madly, Deeply, you should watch that on a rainy lazy day, with a friend or better yet a movie with the night before and the morning after movie with your lover ( I assume a guy but I'm not Homophobic for me it's a woman so I guess I'm still just a little homophobic when it comes for me . . ha ha) The story starts off very good keeps getting better and funny for a hoot of once. A write whit for questions like of "What is Love? or "What is Truth?" questions. "Yes, I've." Good sentence, broken natural language. very funny from a woman's POV: "Making friends had been a task. On the other hand, dating a was a colossal undertaking, one he had considered almost unfeasible for long, until his desire took a yearning turn. He had spent lonely mom

Posted on 04/22/2008 at 10:04:25 PM

This is pretty good, could perhaps use some easier to understand language at point, not sure what audience this is directed to. I like it though, and thanks for reading my cat story :)

Posted on 04/20/2008 at 11:04:39 AM

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