Sports Briefs: Do You Feel a Draft?

Brad: LET'S GET READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!!!! . . . drafting . . . Woo, I am excited out of my shoes for this season. Browns don't have the spot in the third round this year, but no matter, they'll do well, and next year they will have that third round spot!

Chris: You know, each year I sit by my phone and wait for a call. The Jets promise me year after year that they need my explosive punting abilities on their team. But the phone call never comes. I'm thinking I need to switch providers.

Ralphie: I don't really understand how that works.

Joe: Pipe down, kid. We're discussing football, not foosball.

Chris: What happens is you wake up late on a Saturday, watch the first 10 picks of the draft (which last approximately seven hours long) and then shower immediately afterwards. It's quite liberating.

Brad: As for those in the first round, my suggestion is to watch a certain football-ish movie. "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective," now that was one of the funniest, craziest, most stupidly purposeless movie ever made. Ralphie's probably seen it--probably liked it--I saw it and liked it when I was his age.

Joe: The Dolphins have been irrelevant since Ray Finkel shanked that field goal and the annoying pet detective saved the day. (Too bad Dan Marino's acting career couldn't be saved in the process.) As a result, I don't care what the Dolphins do with the first pick. I just hope and pray that I won't have to see Mercury Morris' mug after the draft, announcing some more nonsense about his neighborhood's block party. Hey Mercury, we get it--you think your block is the best. Apparently, you haven't been to one of my neighborhood's block parties. Edith Crzezeski's potato salad is so delicious, it could make noted tough guy Larry Csonka cry.

Chris: My wife once fooled me into eating a bite of potato salad, convincing me that it was banana puddin'. I gagged.