How to Be a Member of the Russian Mafia in 5 Easy Steps

You Too Can Be Part of One of the Bloodiest Criminal Groups in History!

If you've always wanted to be a member of a crime organization, the Russian Mafia is the choice for you! Brutal enough to satisfy your primal urges, and tech-savy enough to keep up with the times, the Russian Mafia is also loosely organized, which means that there's a lot of room for the right candidate to move swiftly up the ranks. And no other mafia in the world has better taste in gravestones! Lucky you! You've definitely made the right career choice...

Step 1: The Clothes Make the Man

Are you a “bull” or a “killer”?
If you’re the guy who does all the work, you need to be able to make a quick getaway!
You need:

•A jogging suit, preferably Adidas (interesting fact: the gravestones of some young mafia members picture them wearing jogging suits -how cool!)
•A leather jacket to show your masculine power
•Athletic shoes (for the quick getaway part)
•Short hair (don’t want your enemies grabbing your ponytail in a struggle, now do you?)
•Your baptism cross (the Russian mafia is strangely religious)

Are you a brigade boss? An “authority” or a “brigadier”?
To show your higher status and your complete separation from the average Russian citizen, you need to be as flashy as possible. Think designer. Wear enough jewelry to support a small country. Because you're worth it -and you can certainly afford it!
You need:

•A cashmere suit: expensive
•A silk shirt: no tie, top few buttons unbuttoned
•Shoes: over $500 whenever possible
•Watch: Rolex, preferably gold
•Roughly $50,000 in jewelry: at least 2 rings, one of which is a seal and the other some kind of gemstone; at least one necklace has to be a cross, the more the better

Recommended for all mafia, regardless of your status:

•Your tattoos! Stars on the shoulders show off  your prison affiliations
•bratskie smertniki: id bracelets with your blood type on them; you know, in case you get shot?

Step 2: Talk the Talk

Some mafia slang to get you started: