The Salvia Chronicles

The Beginning:

The Blue Blank Faced Men of the Russian Circus

"Joe? Joe? Are you alright?" said Marissa as I began to slide off the couch and out of existence.

We were in San Francisco. It was the seventh day of our cross-country road trip, and I had purchased a gram of 25x salvia extract in the Haight-Asbury district. Mark had purchased twelve nitrous canisters, two balloons, and a nitrous cracker. Life was going to be weird from that point forward.

As we were drinking merrily in our friends' apartment, I had decided to pack myself a hit of salvia. Nobody knew I had done this, which explains Marissa's reaction when I suddenly began making strange chirping sounds as my body seized up, causing me to slide onto the floor. I was apparently laughing to point where it didn't sound like laughter at all, and my body had gone into convulsions as a result.

While my friends witnessed a scene that caused great concern for my well-being, I became nothing. I did not exist. I was merely an inanimate object, and this was incredibly depressing. I slowly came back to the world as I knew it and the tingling sensation that paralyzed my body began to fade.

When I returned, the group was standing over me. All of them looked confused, and I could tell Pat was holding back laughter. Laughing at a person in the midst of a fatal seizure is not exactly polite, so I appreciate his patience as he waited to make sure I was merely spun out on something before yukking it up.

"Joeeee!" said Marissa, relieved that I didn't die, "Don't do stuff like that. You gave me such a scare!"

"My bad. I didn't want to interrupt the conversation to announce that I was about to smoke salvia."

Mark found this all quite amusing and suggested that we all do a round of nitrous. We did, and I suddenly heard Russian house music bumping heavily in my ears.

I spoke in a deep slow-motion-esque voice, "YOOOOOOOOO. DO YOU HEAR THAT MUSIC? HA...HA...HA...HA HA HA"

"HA HA HA HA HA", responded Mark.