Upgrading from Girlfriend 9.0 to Wife 1.0

Letter to the customer support department from Mr. Joseph Smith regarding the Wife 1.0 software:

Dear Customer Support,

I am writing to you regarding your recommended upgrade from Girlfriend 9.0 to Wife 1.0 which I implemented, per your instructions, at the beginning of the year. As you promised, the upgrade provided a number of new features which the old program did not offer. However, unlike what you promotional brochure suggested, I am not convinced that I am happy about these features. 

For example, unlike Girlfriend 9.0, Wife 1.0 features much more comprehensive schedule monitoring. That in itself is an interesting option, but I do not understand why it beeps insistently if it is not continually updated. Wife 1.0 also provides a remarkably consistent workplace calling feature. I have searched through the online help, but still have been unable to locate how to turn this feature off.

A number of other programs which I often ran on my computer in the past with no problems have begun to behave erratically since the installation of Wife 1.0. In fact, some of my favorite applications, such as Poker Night 5.2, Sunday Football 16.1, and Boys Night Out 2.5, no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

Moreover, the Wife 1.0 toolbar seems to have installed itself onto every application on my computer and I have no idea how to get it out. In some cases, the Wife 1.0 toolbar has actually replaced the original options provided by the application, irrevocably altering that application’s feature set, usually by eliminating critical options.

When I try to play one of my favorite video games, Wife 1.0 causes the screen to freeze. The strangest part is that this happens even when I am playing on my PS2 rather than the computer. Worst of all, despite selecting the “minimize” option, I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background when trying to run my favorite application: Porn 6.9.