Sports Briefs: The Royal Mascots

Brad: Bring on da noise, bring on da funk, bring on da people dat look like junk! It's mascots! The most useless corporate marketing device utilized by professional sports since Janet Jackson.

Chris: Ever since I first laid eyes on the NFL Huddles mascot dolls in the Montgomery Wards catalog in the early '80s, I have been enthralled with mascots.  

Ralphie: Heck yeah!

Chris: Though I was horrified when I saw my first live mascot, who was a guy with his face painted, wearing a football jersey and dressed in bear ears. It was shortly thereafter our school bought a full mascot costume, much to the chagrin of Mickey Mouse, who often confused our mascot for Minnie.

Joe: Mascots aren't my thing. I don't need to be told when to cheer. And, I don't wear T-shirts shot from a cannon. In fact, my friend Stan actually lost a tooth at a Timberwolves game earlier this season when the darn cannon misfired. Poor guy. First, the gout. Then, scurvy. Then, a mouthful of T-shirt.

Ralphie: That would be so awesome! That would almost be as much fun as playing the game. Maybe better I dunno. Oh I want to shoot the tshirt gun too.

Joe: You ever been shot out of a cannon? You want to be?

Brad: Mascots really serve no purpose for modern sports. Yes, the teams all need some sort of name, but do they really need a humanized representation of that name? I hate to go back to Ace Ventura, but in that movie, did the Dolphins really need an actual dolphin? Marino was more than enough to represent the entire team--or Finkle--depending on how their season turned out. I predict this season will be nicknamed "Hurricane Ray."

Joe: The only mascot worth anything is the Stanford Cardinal. The Tree. How can you not like a tree for a mascot? Those sausage characters in Milwaukee are good, but they aren't really mascots. I guess Jack Nicholson sort of qualifies for a mascot for the Lakers. But he's almost too much of a caricature at this point in his career. He's less genuine than the Milwaukee Polish Sausage.