The Perfect(ish) Religion

This morning, I awoke with a dream. I wanted to create an organized religion that was just, that was genuinely interested in helping people rather than lining the pockets of its leadership, that would always put the good of the people ahead of the institution. I wanted to devise a faith that was not built on fear and control, that was not ideological or dogmatic, that recognized fundamental truths about human existence, and gave its followers comfort and a benevolent purpose for their lives.

After a moment, I realized how intimidating a goal this was. No organized religion, ever, in all human history, has been anything like that. The question came to me, "If I truly want to create a force for good in the world, why construct a religion at all?" I can find no satisfactory answer. Why try to open people's minds by stifling their free will? If you wish to put people before the institution, why not leave out the institution completely? For all their high-minded talk about bringing people together, what religions truly excel at is leaving people out, sorting believers into separate in-groups, each believing that, while those other groups might be nice enough folks, theirs is the one and only true faith. The only good religion is no religion.

Since there can be no such thing as a perfect religion as far as the people are concerned, I will approach it from the opposite side and attempt to assemble an ideal faith from the perspective of those who would found and lead it. Put another way, if I were an unprincipled, opportunistic con artist who wished to follow in the footsteps of Joseph Smith, L. Ron Hubbard, and Moses by founding a religion in order to increase my personal wealth and influence (the only honest motive for such an operation), what religion would I found?

The first and most essential step is to move to an area of the world where the people are poorly educated and especially gullible. After briefly consulting an atlas, I have chosen my home city of Hagerstown Maryland, where for generations, thousands and thousands of men and women have been duped into paying money from their own pockets to read the Herald Mail.