How to Be a Dick in the City

How To Be A Dick In The City

As compiled by our writers and editors, here are our most highly recommended "dick moves" for any large, urban city. This list was compiled in San Francisco, but you can successfully practice these "dick moves" in any metropolitan area of suitable size.

1) Bring Your Dog With You To The Bistro, Then Tie It Up Outside And Make It Sit There And Watch While You Eat

Owning a dog in a crowded city is a borderline dick move anyway - the place really isn't designed to accommodate the damn thing, but there you are with it anyway, tripping strangers with it's leash on the sidewalk and letting it plant land mines all over what limited public space there is.

But a true and proper dick knows to drag their dog to the little sidewalk restaurant downtown, tie it up to a lamp post or something outside, and let it sit there smelling all the food and watching all the people eat for upwards of an hour while they take their good old time swilling wine and laughing it up over inane yuppie bullshit. As a bonus, the dog gets to constantly dodge everyone walking by while it stares longingly at all the food that is just outside the reach of it's leash!

Bonus dick points for forgetting to feed the dog before leaving the house.

2) Own A Dog Solely As A Fashion Accessory; Dress It Up In Little Clothes And Dye It's Fur Some Weird Color Like Purple

OK, we get it; you have a dog because you are simply too selfish, inconsiderate and personally irresponsible to have a child. Fine. A true dick, however, knows to treat the dog as if it actually is a child, stuffing it into constricting "doggie clothing" and dyeing the fur.

3) Dress Like You Are A Homeless Person / Crust Punk And Then Go Into A Coffee Shop And Order A $4+ Latte

This is one is pretty simple and self-explanatory. Have some well-paying corporate job, but in your off time dress like a raggedy skater kid or hobo. Then, with absolutely no shame or sense of irony whatsoever, drop into your neighborhood coffee shop and order a drink that costs more than many people spend on food in a day.

4) Talk Loudly In Public On Your Cell Phone About Pointless Bullshit