Still Here

I knew a man who I had a crush on who had cancer. I don't really know if he felt the same way about me, because he died. A few years ago, I met a man who was his friend. I started talking to him, mainly because of Chris. My friend asked me if I liked Sam, and I said I couldn't possibly have as many kids as he was interested in. He came from a prominent Christian family. They were really nice, and they had a big family. About the time Chris was dying, I had a large ovarian cyst removed and was able to recover. But it is harder when a man you really thought you could love is dying and you wonder why you're too scared to tell him how you feel. Instead, a lawyer asks you out and too desperate for someone to love you, you accept. But I was in pain in more than one way and I wasn't enjoying myself with my date.

To add insult to injury, my "friend" who I had said flirted with everyone, and as a result I thought it was my fault he couldn't get a date. When the reality is he was he was rude to me, interrupted my conversation with Chris, the last one we were to have. And I never was even invited to his funeral, and it wasn't until a long time after that I found out of his death.

Maybe he wasn't a saint. But he was always nice to me. "Whatever you want" was some of his words to me. And I want to honor his life. I never told anyone this before. Maybe because I never really had a relationship with him. Maybe its because I was so scared. Maybe because deep down inside I'm angry that he never asked me out when it would have destroyed me if we really had a relationship and he died. Now days, I feel like a failure. Nothing worked out the way I planned.