Sports Briefs: The Need for Speed

Brad: Here he comes! Here comes Speed Racer! He's a hyped up film! Hollywood's a demon, and they're gonna be destroying somebody's eyes . . .

Joe: Will the new "Speed Racer" movie have a monkey? Poor, mid-60's Japanese anime? An awkward dramatic freeze frame early in the film? A product placement for the new Mach-5 razor from Gillette? (Actually, I don't really know if any of these elements are in the movie. Nor, do I care.) It is a horrible remake of a horrible cartoon.

Ralphie: Yeah! I can't wait to see that race car. It looks so cool, and the movie looks like it will be fun to watch.

Chris: And there's going to be a miniature primate in the movie!

Joe: Chim Chim the monkey! The cartoon featured a monkey named Chim Chim as its most engaging character. You can't just throw a monkey in front of a camera and expect laughs. Too bad, countless others in Hollywood haven't figured that out over the past 40 years. Monkeys are not always funny. Now, if that monkey slipped on a banana peel and fell down, possibly injuring his groin in the process--that's comedy gold!

Brad: I watched the original series when I was a youngert about Ralphie's age.

Ralphie: I never heard of it I don't think until the movie was made.

Brad: I liked the original series, it was like the Japanese Scooby Doo-not "The Matrix." I am proud to say that I will not be wasting my money on this feature, unless it's the first feature at your local drive-in, in which case I might sit through it to watch "Iron Man" or something that puts Keanu Reeves in a football uniform. "The Replacements," great movie.

Chris: Almost half of our group owns the complete original series on DVD. It was the espionage aspect that produced euphoria in me. Auto racing is not enjoyable, unless shenanigans are involved. Just imagine how intoxicating golf would be if Inspector Gadget learned to play. And if Bill Belichick hadn't have imagined he was James Bond, people would not demand that the Patriots hand back their Super Bowl rings now.