These Numbers Wouldn't Even Make Sense If You Were High..

Yep, it's arguments like this that do the "pro" War on Drugs front no favors. In light of recent developments, for better and worse, on both sides of the issue, you at home knew, just like the idiots cutting the head off a corpse they dug up to use for a bong, eventually we'd get hit with another B.S. study.

This time, the National Institute on Drug Abuse released findings showing that heavy marijuana use can raise levels of certain proteins in a person's blood, which could lead to circulation problems, heart trouble, and possible stroke. According to the research, THC seems to drive overproduction of the protein, which helps metabolize triglycerides.

Okay...so if I got this right, heavy marijuana use can lead to higher triglycerides, so then, if any of the commercials are to be believed, the simple fix is to eat a second big ass bowl of cheerios. That should counteract it. What, don't look at me like that. You knew you were already thinking about that second bowl.

Granted, it all sounds a little silly, but no less silly than the study that kicked all of this off. According to Dr. Jean Lud Cadet and his research team, after tracking 18 "heavy, long-term" users and 24 people who did not smoke marijuana, "chronic marijuana use is not so benign."

And what, pray tell constitutes "heavy" use? How much is too much, according to the National Institute on Drug Abuse and the National Institutes of Health? I'm glad you asked. I know you were dying to ask (or struggling to remember) those questions. Seventy-eight to three hundred joints a week. Yep. Read that right. 78 to 350 joints. A week.

What? Seriously, what? I wasn't aware there were 18 people out there with Snoop Dogg's smoke budget willing to help further the cause of science. Glad to see a vaguely ridiculous number gives credibility to this study. Using my best pothead math, the prevailing local market, and consultation from a couple of like-minded individuals, I came up with the following:

Low end

78 joints per week

that's 11 joints a day...impressive by any standards