The War on Mullets

No, there isn't currently a war on mullets. But there should be. I'm not talking about the ray-finned fish; I'm talking about the hairstyle. But the mullet is not really a style; it is more of misguided attempt at careful grooming and a drive for rebellion. Mullets grow out of apathy and blossom into too much attention. The mullet is an abomination.

For those of you who don't know what a mullet is, you have probably seen one and not known it. A mullet haircut entails the hair trimmed short on the top, front, and sides, but long down the back. Hideously long. Mullets have a variety of shapes and forms, but all are equally repulsive. Perhaps the most garish mullet out there is the well-groomed curly mullet. Such a mullet was sported by Jean Claude Van Damme in the movie Hard Target.

Some mullets are accompanied by accessories that create an even stronger landscape of hirsute repulsion. The "perv stache" is a very popular accompaniment to the mullet. This blonde, thin, and wholly extraneous growth of facial hair gives new meaning to "that creepy guy who hangs out at the bowling alley." Other additions to the mullet don't even involve hair at all. Many mullets come with large, plastic rimmed, 1980s style sunglasses that one would see bedecking a contemporary Patrick Swayze or Ralph Macchio.

Long hair on men is not a bad thing. Long has it been an expression of rebellion against the confines of a well-sculpted society of hair. However, long hair needs to be long in places other than the back of one's head. The mullet is like going to the beach and only putting your feet in the water. And they're ugly feet at that.

Females should not under any circumstances sport a mullet hairdo, unless of course they are David Bowie fanatics and decide to go to one Halloween party as Ziggy Stardust. After that though, they need to cut their hair short in the style of Mia Farrow in Rosemary's Baby. Female mullets can't be allowed to survive past twenty-four hours.