Battle of the Crazy-Assed Christians

In this wacky world into which we have been tossed, dazed and confused, many individuals look to religion as a source of comfort. As someone who is able to deal with life minus the need of knowing why we exist, whether or not there is an afterlife, or what exactly Jesus would do, I look to religion as a wonderful form of amusement. And I particularly enjoy the crazed ravings and naughty actions of many of our most prominent Christian leaders.

The list of nutcase Christian ministers is endless, so I have narrowed it down to ten of my favorites. To honor the late Jerry Falwell, the Supreme King of Crazy Christians who delighted us with his personal battle against the most evil of all Teletubbies, Tinky-Winky, I have created an award in his name.

See which of these fine gentlemen will win the coveted Jerry Falwell Crazy-Assed Christian Award.

Oral Roberts

At 90, Roberts is only a few years younger than John McCain, but he still occasionally comes up with some good stuff. His best, however, came a couple of decades ago when he told his flock that God had talked to him and said that he would whack Roberts if he didn't raise $8 million by May of '87. Wow! Who'd have thought God was little more than an all-knowing, all-seeing version of Tony Soprano?

Pat Robertson

When it comes to spewing outrageous crap from the old pie-hole, few men of God come even close to Robertson, and his nutty statements are far too numerous to list. Just a few goodies:

"Christ is the head of the household and the husband is the head of the wife, and that's the way it is, period."

"[Feminism] encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."

"If the widespread practice of homosexuality will bring about the destruction of your nation, if it will bring about terrorist bombs, if it'll bring about earthquakes, tornadoes and possibly a meteor, it isn't necessarily something we ought to open our arms to."

Any man who is that anti-woman and that homophobic has got to be struggling with one raging drag queen just dying to get out. It's OK Pat. You're here, you're queer, get used to it!

Ted Haggard