How to Pick Up Prostitutes

Picking up a prostitute is tougher than you might think.

I know. I tried three times before I finally succeeded, and even that was kind of a fiasco. And one of those attempts wasn't even for me.

You see, one night in a drunken state, my friends Bill and Ryan suddenly revealed to me that they had this fantasy about double-dogging some bimbo together. This was a surprise, but the bigger surprise was that they wanted me to subsidize their fantasy - they wanted me to participate and triple-dog a prostitute with them. Considering that the two of them were built like scrawny chihuahuas with chronic bronchitis, the thought of the two of them attempting to mount a hooker brought to mind images of gang-rape by a bunch of wire hangers.

But it turned that they didn't want me because I was a brawny he-man with a penis the size of a vodka bottle... it's because they thought I had enough money to buy the call girl. I didn't. However, they kept bugging me over and over again that I must have the money, they were so horny, they needed someone... so I offered to procure the prostitute for them as a compromise, saving them the trouble of actually finding one. I began to leaf through the local paper's "hot massage" section.

It ended in disaster, of course. The first call ended abruptly when Bill slapped the phone out of his hand. "Don't use my name!" he said hoarsely. The second time I used Ryan's name.... and then Ryan panicked. I hung up. I might have had some success the third time using pseudonyms for the both of them, but then Bill refused to give out his address, apparently not realizing that the prostitute wasn't simply going to wander around the east side of town until he showed up.

The fourth time I called a transsexual and actually spoke to a real person, and could have actually hired him to satisfy Bill and Ryan's feverish desires... but my tender conscience wouldn't let me pull a Crying Game on these two bozos. Besides, Ryan was my ride home. We spent the rest of the evening ignoring the increasingly eager messages left by the transsexual, who was apparently having a bad night and looking to pick up some business.