Turkey Hotline Callers Do the Darndest Things

You’ve heard the rumors—wonderful hotlines to help those wannabe chefs who would otherwise destroy a perfectly good Thanksgiving turkey. Is it true? Are there turkey help hotlines?

The short answer is “Yes.”

There are actually several turkey help hotlines, and they are available during the Thanksgiving season to offer advice for anyone who isn’t quite sure of how to prepare the “bird.” Now, if you’re like me, perhaps you hesitate about calling such a hotline. What if your question is so simple, you will sound like a completely incompetent retard who can’t even cook a turkey? Well, no fear. Others before you have braved to ask questions and the odds are, anything you have to ask, the “turkey experts’ have heard before.

Below is a list of some of the craziest, oddest, and weirdest questions the turkey experts have been asked, and what you can do to avoid the same mistakes.

Question 1. “How do I get the bleach smell off the turkey?”

Answer: Don’t wash it in bleach! No matter how much you hate germs, you CANNOT wash your turkey in bleach (or Lysol, 4O9, Mr. Clean, etc. While good for the floor, their bad when digested).

Question 2 “How long does it take for the popcorn to start popping?”

Answer: Huh? First, who puts popcorn inside their turkey? Anyway, the popcorn will not pop, ever. Okay, maybe one or two freak kernels, but 99% won’t pop. Perhaps you are thinking of the old joke “How do you know when the turkeys done? When the popcorn pops and blows the rear off the bird!"

Question 3: “It snowed and now I can’t find the turkey!”

Answer: Don’t substitute the backyard snow pile for a freezer unless, of course, you are willing to lose the turkey to Bigfoot.

Question 4: “How long will it take my turkey to bake in the car?”