Five Worst RPGs from Square Enix

Final Fantasy XII has arrived. And it’s about time. After five tortuous years of labor, the mother of all RPG publishers, Square Enix, has finally pumped out (in English, anyway) their latest and arguably greatest baby to much ado. Now non-Japanese-speaking geeks all over America can lead yet another bare-chested androgyne and his friends on a wild adventure to save the world. Or a world, at least.

But what have we been doing all these years since the release of Final Fantasy X? Besides playing World of Warcraft, that is. Well, I don’t know about anyone else, but I dug deep into my collection of Squenix’s past offerings to dust off some old favorites. From true classics like the incomparable Chrono Trigger to more recent gems like Xenogears and Final Fantasy X-2, I’ve played ‘em all.

Unfortunately, five years is a long time. They told me so in school. So where did I go once I’d beaten Lavos for the 36th time in three days? I decided to get reacquainted with some of the RPG giant’s less enjoyable titles. With that, I bring you, in no particular order, Square’s five ugliest, lamest, most acne-ridden children (to continue the weak metaphor I started with—that’s synergy, baby!). All this list cost me was a few years of completely wasted free time.

1. Kingdom Hearts
I can only imagine the kind of concept meeting that went on the day somebody pitched this beauty: “Combine equal parts Disney movies, Final Fantasy characters, and Haley Joel Osment. How could it go wrong?” Everywhere. From the constant, insanely tedious platform jumping (and falling…and falling again…and again…) to the easily killed party members (Donald, I’m looking at you) whom you can’t control, Kingdom Hearts was a disaster from the get-go.