I Can Choose

I can choose.

We tell ourselves what we'd do "if". If we weighed less or looked different. If we had more time or money. But today, I am going to choose what to do with my time, and I'm not even going to think, "What if?".

I was just diagnosed with endometriosis this week. Most of the time, that won't be a problem for me. It's something you can live with, something you take a day at a time. But I was diagnosed because I was experiencing severe pain due to an ovarian cyst. A "chocolate cyst", which makes it sound so much nicer than it feels. So at the moment, I'm prone to feeling sorry for myself because I'm uncomfortable. Or because my nurse practitioner doesn't call me back for whatever reason. Or because I am sick to my stomach. Or because I have to get yet another test, but the doctors didn't get it scheduled. Now I have to wait an entire weekend without having scheduled that minor surgery that I need in order to get to "the next step" of treating this. Oh, the suspense.

I started the day off pretty angry. I was "under" almost all day yesterday, on pain medication. I had to turn down a job that I really wanted, because I'm simply not healthy enough to work. I went in one day, and had to leave after an hour because I couldn't stand. I was kidding myself thinking I could start a full time job...but just two weeks ago, I felt healthy. Frustrating timing.

I've struggled with problems and symptoms of Endometriosis for years, I just didn't know it had a name. I just thought I had a lot of problems, that I was sickly. And in some respects I am. I was also diagnosed with a fairly severe hip problem last February, I'm feeling feeble and icky. And angry and ripped off. And then weepy and whiny. It's a rotation.

Today, I finished my college career. Which I also struggled through. I finished the last test of my last class. Ever. I now have a degree, and the debt to prove it. That's a proud moment, too bad I feel too nauseous to enjoy it. I thought to myself, "If I felt better, I'd celebrate."