Bush and Cheney Resign, Pelosi Now President; Dems in Chaos

At 12:15 a.m. today, both George W. Bush and Dick Cheney submitted their resignations to Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts. In keeping with the line of succession, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi immediately became President of the United States. Pelosi was called out of a Stop Global Warming party hosted by California Democrats and administered the oath of office in the driveway by an irate circuit court judge.

When asked the reason for his sudden resignation, former President Bush replied, "Look, I'm just sick of all of you. There hasn't been a terrorist attack in almost seven years, and you are the most ungrateful bunch of jackasses I've ever met. Ya'll can go to hell; I'm going back to Texas."

When asked why he also resigned, former Vice President Cheney said, "Why would I want to stick around for six months as a lame duck when I can go back to Halliburton and make more money than God? Now get out of my face before I shoot you."

Bush would not say what his immediate plans were, other than an offhanded comment that Bud Selig had better get out of his office by Monday, indicating that Bush's ultimate goal is still to be Commissioner of Major League Baseball. He and Cheney left the White House in an Exxon-owned Suburban, with Cheney flipping his middle finger at reporters as the vehicle roared away.

Pelosi seemed stunned when talking to reporters, still standing in the driveway in San Francisco. "I'm not sure what to say," she said. "This is unprecedented in our history, and I'm shocked that President Bush would be so irresponsible as to leave me in charge. Wait, what I mean is, I'm ready to take the reigns right now."

Asked how this would affect the upcoming Presidential race, Pelosi seemed at first to not understand, then grasped the implications.

"Obviously this will change things somewhat," she said. "Senator Obama will need to withdraw and release his delegates to me, as I am now the leader of the Party. If he chooses not to, as the chair of the Democratic Convention, and of course President of the United States, I would have to make him."