When a Marriage is Over: He Has Emotionally Checked Out of the Relationship but Physically Still Lives Under the Same Roof

Relationship Advice Columnist Zuri Helps a Man Move Past the Indecision that Keeps Him from Ending His Marriage and Moving Out

Dear Zuri,

After 28 roller coaster years I've decided to leave my wife. It's been tough the last few weeks letting her know how I feel. She is not in the same place I am. I want to hurt her as little as possible so I've tried to work things out slowly and honestly. But it's been tough. I've also

 tried thinking outside of the box....interesting stuff, but nothing has got me out of the house even though we are not sleeping together. Help me out with some ideas on how to make it happen. Thanks.

DT 8/56

Hi D!

The past pattern of behaviors that hurt and strained your marriage have led to you slowly withdrawing emotionally and your heart no longer feels invested in giving this partnership any more energy. There is no easy or quick way to tell someone it's over and it's especially difficult when you have close to thirty years invested in a marriage. If you feel you need support to make the transition out of the marriage, then I would recommend getting into counseling, either individually or together. A relationship therapist specializing in marriage or couples issues can help you work through this and make sure that there are no underlying problems that can be resolved, leading to a repair of the marriage. However, if even after counseling things remain fragmented and it's discovered that the relationship has gone past the point of no return, then the trained professional can help you communicate firmly with your wife about the next steps in the dissolution of your marriage. Perhaps a trial separation will be what is needed for you to create some distance and figure out where you want to go from here. However I am sensing psychically that there are also financial reasons that are causing you to stall on moving out. So, a lot of things need to be sorted out before you can begin a new life for yourself.