Dating

The Number-One Reason to Stay Married

If there's one really good argument for staying married, it is this: dating. On my own priority scale, dating falls somewhere between doing taxes and chewing glass.

You've got to get dressed up and bring your résumé...

"Yes, I was with Cynthia from May to August. My main duties were to pay for dinner and hold the door ... Why did we separate? I'm afraid she was downsizing. Since then I've just been a temp."

Older singles tend to process you in terms of market value. With a Robocop scan, they determine your age and weight, then match you with a car in the parking lot.

"Are those real diamonds? Mind if I use my jeweler's loop?"

I'm not cut out for dating anyway. I was married so long that now I'm like an animal raised in captivity -- unfit for the wild. Do you still show up with a corsage?

When I first started out, I was looking for a certain type. She'd be 5'6" and have blonde hair, cute dimples. She'd be a Capricorn.

As time went on, I adjusted. "Okay, she doesn't have to be Capricorn so long as she's friendly ... She doesn't have to be friendly, per se, but I'd rather she not drag her knuckles ... So long as she wears pink. So long as he or she wears pink."

Now all I notice is whether or not they're wearing a ring, and that's my type: available.

The ring finger tells people you're married. At times so does the middle finger. Some women fear that men won't notice their barren ring finger, so they hedge with low-cut blouses. I've dated women who can swipe credit cards with their cleavage. You get a migraine just trying to maintain eye contact.

What we need are cleavage blinders: They'd work like horse blinders, only the flaps go beneath your eyes.

I tried speed-dating, where you get five minutes per woman, and that might not seem like a long time ... but it is. How long does it take to know that someone is psycho? One minute? Two? That leaves a lot of time to sit there thinking, Yeah, I could be celibate. I've got an X-Box.

Even if you do find a match while speed-dating, where do you go from there? Can you see that relationship in two years?

Her: "Every time we make love anymore, it's only a quickie."

Him: "You knew I was in a hurry from the beginning!"