The Importance of Values and Standards in Marriage

“Marry your best friend!” That was the advice I gave my children when they were young. Of course, that your best friend was of the opposite sex and an active member of our church was implied. But why should anyone marry their best friend?   The truth is that best friends forgive easily. They forgive one another for their imperfections, laugh at each other’s jokes, and they like you even when you are sick or do something dumb. Why? Because that’s how you treat your best friend. You love your best friend with total unconditional love, and that is the kind of love we hope to give and receive from our spouses. 

As good as that advice was, I would now add more. Marry a friend who has not only the same religious beliefs but has the same values and standards. "Find-A-Mate" websites talk about deeper compatibility, and that has to do with relating on matters of values, ethics and standards.  How can you tell if you are truly compatible?  How can you avoid the shock of finding out that the person you love does not share your values and does not have the same ethical standards that you have?  What do values and ethics have to do with anything? Sadly, church membership and attendance does not guarantee that two people share the same values.

I recently read that  “… a recent poll reporting that nearly two in three adult Americans believe that ethics 'vary by situation' or that there is no 'unchanging ethical standard of right and wrong.' Elastic ethics, variable values. You don't have to be a genius to predict the result.”  (Anne Osborn Poelman, The Amulek Alternative: Exercising Agency in a World of Choice [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1997], 12) The disappointment that comes from discovering that your mate does not share your values and standards can lead to the loss of trust...which can destroy the ability to work together to overcome challenges.