An Anonymous Letter from a Hollywood Doggie

(To the Hollywood Celebrity...)

Dear Hollywood Celebrity,

For many years my kind has served you faithfully. We have enhanced your films and television shows without the slightest protest. When the TV big shots wanted our stately male Collies to cross-dress for your precious "Lassie" shows, we said nothing. To protect our rights, we have groups such as PETA and the ASPCA. But unfortunately, there is no one around to protect our dignity. Our little furry paws are incapable of signing Doggie Actors' Guild contracts. So, we're relying on you to dive into your box of morals and stop using us as props and fashion accessories.

Citing names isn't necessary. You know who you are-----zipping in and out of LAX pretending that you're "slumming"---when indeed, you're hoping that TMZ catches a glimpse of you in all your casual fabulousness. But mind you, that while we are covered in fur, we were not meant to be "worn." We're still breathing. Therefore our skin cannot legally be considered "leather." Tucking us beneath your armpit as if we were a clutch bag only serves to ruin our coats with your sweat stains. And have you given one iota of thought to the notion that our breath may in fact be better than yours? Please do consider this the next time you're hamming it up with us in front of the paparazzi.

We don't want to go to Diddy's White Linen parties. We don't need fancy dog houses with air conditioning. Yes, we'd like a little privacy when we lick ourselves. And no, we don't want to be featured on your reality shows. Besides, how would you like it if cameras zoomed in on you every time you took a pee or a poo? We're not allowed to spend any of the money you're making off of our cute little faces. So, in essence-we're working for free while you get to treat us like luggage. How's that for slave labor?