A Complete Moron's Guide to Karaoke

A Character-Driven Piece of Humorous Fiction About Bars, Drinking, Karaoke, and Women

Only morons think karaoke came from Japan. Anyone with half a brain knows it actually started right here in America back in the 80's. There was this Irish girl in Boston, you see, and her name was Carrie O'Kay. One night, Carrie is just minding her own business, selling booze to drunken Red Sox fans after a big game, and some moron spills his beer on the jukebox, totally screwing it up. Somehow, the music would still play, but there were no vocals. Now the music sounds like shit and the natives are starting to get a bit restless, and old Carrie has to think on her feet. Luckily for her, the song playing was one she knew, and she jumped up on top of that broken jukebox and blasted out the lyrics at the top of her lungs. The crowd loved it and she spent the rest of the night taking requests and making huge tips. Apparently, some Japanese guy who happened to be in town on a business trip or something saw this whole thing go down. He took the idea to Japan, talked to some engineer friends of his or something, and before long karaoke had become a huge deal and poor Carrie is now 50 years old and stuck in a bar slinging cheap whiskey and singing "Danny Boy" on top of a broken jukebox.

This story always inspires me. It's important to know what can happen if you fail to capitalize on good fortune and God-given talent. That's why you need my help. I can show you how to fine tune that talent until you can't help but succeed. I can show you the difference between drunken scrub and true entertainer. You just need to follow the rules.

Yes, there are rules. Karaoke is not something you just show up, get drunk, and do. It's an art. You have to rise above the level of drunken amateur and seek to become an entertainer. The audience is there to be entertained, not to witness your embarrassing cry for attention in the form of a terrible My Chemical Romance song. It takes practice to get good, and I don't mean singing in your car practice, I mean full on, standing in front of the mirror, perfecting your intonation and rhythm and gyrating like a porn star practice.