Expelled from Match.com!

The Author Tells How to Get Tossed Off the Popular On-line Dating Site

Anyone who’s dipped their toes into the murky waters of the on-line dating scene will sprint away from the tide after learning that while there are plenty of fish in the sea, there are also plenty of nets. While learning about how the seamy underbelly of electronic dating is really manipulated, this investigative journalist found himself expelled from Match.com after going deep undercover into the popular Internet dating service.

I enrolled at Match.com using the pen name of “MrMarvelous” to judge the waters for myself. After blowing off an entire day’s work perusing the women within 100 miles of my zip code, seven major metropolises and all of the neighborhoods I’ve ever lived, it became readily apparent that of the 40 million single men and women who subscribe to on-line dating services, most are looking for the same thing and their profiles all read the same (read my previous article here). So, to leverage myself against my male competitors and attract more than my fair share of the lovelier sex, I decided to create the following original member profile to flaunt my rapier wit. After all, isn’t that what women want: a man with a sense of humor?

Dating headline:
Tom Selleck Look-a-like In Search of Love

For fun:
I enjoy interesting outdoor activities like sneaking up on bears and startling skunks. I like doing things in dark, damp places and would like to find someone who enjoys the same. I love the ocean and dream of opening a five-star skin care clinic at the trendy Paranur Gandhi Leprosy Colony in Hawaii. Like my parole officer, I feel that if you find the right vocation, your job and your hobbies become one in the same.

My job:
I work as a telemarketer for a cemetery. Calling people at dinner time to discuss their immediate plans after death has helped me immensely with the online dating scene. After working at “Plots ‘R Us” for six months, I’ve developed a thick enough skin to allow me to work through all of the hate mail and death threats that I’ve accumulated at Match.com.